Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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