I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
