haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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