so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
