apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
