woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
