best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You've changed since you got that strap on
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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