had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
