Tell her she can't have a vagina
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
