Just fell off a train. Bad.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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