I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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