FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
