and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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