Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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