Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
