pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
