Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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