Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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