how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
