No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
