you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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