I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
