I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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