I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
