Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
