dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
BRING THE BAGELS
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
