alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
