Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
