There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
