if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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