I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
