When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
