Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
