Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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