If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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