Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
