then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
