What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
