last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
