My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
