i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
