Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
