There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
