why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
