I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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