Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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