fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
