I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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