god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
