her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
