That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
