i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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