Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
well most of my day revolves around power hour
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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