Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
