I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
