That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.