If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it hurts more in the daytime
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake