My first STD was from a foam party
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
