I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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